I shiver ran through my body as I looked over my shoulder. I turn around to see an endless wave stretching across the beach. As it towers over me I notice it start to curl and I know it’s going to break, it reminds me of a skyscraper crashing over me and I have no where to run. Frozen in fear, fumbling with that strap on my wrist hearing the crinkling of wet Velcro, I try to decide what to do. Thinking fast I gasp for air feeling the coldness of it rush against the inside of my throat burning it. I then dive under the cold liquid that makes me float thinking that the further I dive under it the less the ferocious beast will unleash it mighty power sending me tumbling underwater. Yet as I dive down further and further while it’s getting darker and darker while knowing I need to go a lot further… I stop; it was as if I ran into a glass wall. I panic realizing why I had stopped; my boogie board was still attached to my wrist, like a dog on a leash trying to chase a cat. I look up with my pupils enlarged in pure terror watching the bulge in the water crashing down onto the water. The bitter current throws me to the bottom of the ocean snapping the cable attached to my wrist. Clenching my wrist in pain I strike the hard bed of the ocean listening to the rushing water above me accompanied to the scrapping noise of my back against the coarse sand. Tumbling across the ocean floor I folded my legs in to jump with all my strength to the surface of the unforgiving water. Gasping for air I swallow the white wash that the vast wave had left, like the black ashes from a once raging fire. The intense blinding whiteness washes me ashore along with my board like I'm driftwood floating ashore from a horrible ship wreck. I grab my board and sprint along shore burning up my remaining energy as I head towards my spot on the beach. I collapse against the near molten sand from the intense heat of the sun, too drained to move, I lay there in pain… stomach burning to a crisp, my back bleeding profoundly as the ground surrounding me turned red from blood.
5 comments:
Wow! This is quite powerful stuff Michael. You asked me how you could improve it, and I'm not sure how to respond to that. I think you use adjectives to great effect here, as when you write, "I swallow the white wash that the vast wave had left, like the black ashes from a once raging fire." In this sentence I like the contrast in comparing the strength of water to the destructiveness of fire. One thing, I can say, is that it does not have any build up. It starts right away with the character (you) about to get pounded by the wave. That is not a bad thing, but if you wanted to experiment you might want to try to build it up a bit, like how the character would feel seeing this big wave approaching from the distance.
Mr. J
Unforgiving! Raging! The two words that i chose from this piece that i thought stood out because of the feeling that they give off. These words can empower a piece a lot.
"Towering" and "fumbling" jump out at me right away. It helps portray the feeling of fear right from the starting gate.
Dang man they tore you up! That was a tight paragraph because you used great metaphors aiight! Tight stuff man, tight stuff
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